Snuggies Suck

Something has always bothered me about the Snuggie, besides the cutesy name given to the hyped up smock-blanket.

From history class, we know America invented some wonderful innovations once upon a time. The television. The Wonder bra. The McDLT. THIS is an over-sized backwards belt-less robe to keep us warm while watching our daily five hours of TV.

How else do we endure our frozen couch when we’re not sleepy enough for bed but want a bed-like feel? HOW?!?! *tearing up like Glenn Beck*

Long sleeve shirts, long sleeve under short sleeve shirt combo, sweaters, cardigans, jackets, coats and even REAL robes?

NO! These are lame clothes with harsh names. “Cardigan”, is it a knit jacket or some kind of pretentious buttoned sweater for intellectuals? You decide, professor!

Snuggie, from the root word snuggle, who doesn’t want that? A warm fuzzy. It’s what your parents did to get you to sleep on old fashioned family sitcoms. Its what women do to show affection and what men do to reward women for sex. It won’t want to watch ESPN nor OWN. It won’t leave you. It won’t judge the party-size order of Buffalo wings in your lap.

It could hold two lovers, two cold spouses that can’t pay the heating bill or one 500 pound person – who’s likely single.

300 pounds to go!

Knowing all this, as a man, I’d rather die than wear one. Don’t get too comfortable lest the blanket start to get tight from the winter weight. Always keep snacks out of arm’s reach. NEVER use the Snuggie to keep warm food next to you. If you ever wipe your grubby mouth with any part of the damned thing, realize that YOU ARE NOW WEARING A GIANT BIB, JABBA!

You can’t spell Snuggliness without “ugliness”.

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2 Responses to “Snuggies Suck”

  1. The thing is – Snuggies just aren’t sexy. But the commericals are supremely cheesy entertainment.

    H.

    • If they didn’t translate to so many sales, I’d agree.
      We dislike their exploitation of loneliness to sell a product that doesnt need to exist. Single women were the number #1 purchasers/gift recipients of it last holiday season in our anecdotal observance.

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