Ladies Day

It’s the time of year when many men complain about having to buy gifts for the women that love them. Sometimes hundreds of dollars exchanged for they see as a little extra affection, which they of course take for granted. This comes from the belief that the sexes are equal, so holidays for couples should be equally rewarding.

These men are IDIOTS. Women deserve the extra gifts not because they’re better, but because – at least from our male point of view – it SUCKS to be female.

As girls, they are so lovingly empathetic to others. They can FEEL the pain of others deeply. I’ve seen a little girl cry because some other kid dropped their ice cream. She quickly offered half of hers so that they wouldn’t go without. Boys will either laugh hysterically at this loss, taunt them  or scramble to eat the treat off the dirt.

If a boy receives the her thoughtful charity he  will reciprocate later by sharing a worm or dead bird with the girl, who will feel sad for his latest victim. Offended by this sensitivity, the young male will chase her around with the carcass and rub it in her hair.

Just got hurt by a boy that LIKED her.

Girls grow into young women and become fascinated with taming teenage dudes, the DEADLIEST animal predator on Earth. Her body betrays her inside and out,  growing curves that actually ATTRACT the male monsters and urges that coax them to be caught by these pimpled perverts. The kindest and nicest young men might as well have pink and white polka-dot Hello Kitty vaginas as far as a teenage girl cares.

Periods. If testicles contracted and our junk bled monthly, Midol would be bigger than Google and added to tap water! Whether she wants it or not, her hormones and organs punish her EVERY month for not getting pregnant. The Bible blames woman for introducing all human sin because its the only ATROCITY that could warrant menstruation!

"Nope, I didn't say nothin' ... sorry?"

“I’m PREGNANT.” Accomplishment or surprise, planned or … oops, she’s a mother. After nine months of aching and effort, she’s tortured, has a close call with death, then births a beautiful baby. A baby us guys co-author with a minimal up-front investment extracted from a few awesome minutes. It will be their cute and loving best friend/biggest fan for two and a half years. After that it becomes an unruly pet, a hormonally-harsh crazy critic, then a person that defines itself as being better than you both – yet begs for money with the sad eyes. Fathers, if even involved, have less of a connection since we can make more so easily.

This is the FUN stage.

After the kids grow and periods stop, they’ve got a Golden Age for a while. She’s wise to the world with rock solid friendships and developed taste. Handsome and distinguished men are at their peak too. These gentleman are finally fully willing to share their lives, loves and wealth – with a teenage girl!

Time for her treat as well, that twenty-something boy that cleans your pool. He’s as dumb as the algea he skims, but she’s heard enough of our babbling. Cougars don’t hear English, they POUNCE!  The trouble is keeping him interested long enough to show him off to the surviving ex-husband. A bit more stair-master and a bite less cake. A little botox. A minor procedure. They all lead to her becoming her BEST self!

"I'm purrrrrrr-fect."

In the very end, they’ll outlive us by five years. She’s shrunken, frail and gets the FINAL word about you! Meanwhile, we’re having heavenly cocktails with Cleopatra, or at least enjoying the quiet.

So dudes, give them chocolate, roses, trips, clothes, cars – ALL you’re love! Its NOT about the holiday or the money! Its about the woman who LOVES you and DOESN’T murder you in your sleep for all the shit that’s NOT your fault!

Happy Valentines, gentlemen!

#nohomo

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