STFU Sheen

Charlie Sheen’s GREATEST talent is charming whores, filling a news cycle and sizing up “safe” servings of crack.  Actually, he’s been rushed to the hospital three times in the past year, so cocaine is more a hobby for him than a skill. Too bad when your life goal is to die of alcohol poisoning while having a meth-stroke in the middle of fucking three prostitutes to death.

He’s ALMOST got the timing down, but keeps surviving. Damn hooker CPR!

If I was the mediocre-level actor son of the great Martin Sheen, I’d be GRATEFUL for any attention I got from my own lesser works. As an actor, Charlie peaked in Major League TWENTY-TWO years ago. His costars did well for themselves: Tom Berenger was in Inception; Dennis Haysbert did 24 and The Unit; Wesley Snipes karate-chopped  Halle Berry in the ear before hunting vampires so awesomely he forgot to pay his taxes (still, not bad).

Sheen got a starring role in the highly-rated Two and Half Men where he plays an alcoholic womanizing gingle-writer named Charlie.  What a FUCKIN’ stretch since he lacks the talent to write music. Still, it’s a show I’m eager to watch every week once I catch up on Community, 30 Rock, Modern Family, Archer, Parks and Recreation, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Office, Eastbound and Down, How I Met your Mother and Seinfeld reruns – IF there’s nothing else better on.

Now, his insane rantings on radio got the remaining season canceled. Great thinking. Coke DOESN’T grow on tress! Well … it does, but it’s expensive – especially if you’re used to $1.3 million per week amounts.  Charlie is even anti-AA, calling it a “bootleg cult” for idiots. Sounds like the PERFECT place for you!

Well, I got a substitute for the crack pipe he loves to suck on.
Just add a bullet

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