Cultural Epitaph

With the grief of a SIDS parent, I shall describe the events that led to the end of this civilization for you our gay android descendants, hyper-evolved New York cockroaches or trans-dimensional aliens laughing at us from space.

On this the 61st day of the 2,011th year since the magical carpenter was born, the Demon Lord Estevius the First, former TV actor Charlie Sheen, began tweeting his madness across the internet. Tigers were hunted into extinction for their blood, which was believed to allow the simultaneous consumption of EVERY drug. Tens of thousands died of overdoses in the vain attempt to be #WINNING.

In his final TV interview, Sheen was asked about the deaths, to which he responded “They were martyrs with the souls of midgets that I will now father and raise into demi-gods above lesser losers.” While Oprah backed away and signaled security, Charlie looked into the camera with glowing blood red eyes and IMPREGNATED every stripper, pornographic actress and prostitute in the viewing audience. This unholy miracle inaugurated Estevius’ reign of terror upon Earth.

On the same day, Kim Kardashian’s ass dropped a new music single Jam. Feeling threatened, Nicki Minaj’s ass shit out a diss track, Booty Bitch, that caused a civil war within the music business. Twenty year old women KILLED each other in the name of Team Kim or Nicki. The dance clubs ran red with blood, butt implants and pink weave. The feud abruptly ended when both “artitsts” died while birthing Charlie Sheen’s half-tiger devil-babies. BOOM!

On the same day, the upscale restaurant chain McDonald’s announced it’s new McLobster sandwich. In a Los Angeles meeting, actor Kirk Douglas met  with marketing executives to arrange an endorsement deal. After trying a bite of the sandwich, which was mix of oil-choked gulf fish and mayonnaise, the 94-year old’s mottled taupe skin cracked open to reveal the Angel of Death! The dead arose to fight at his side to restore the old Golden Age of Hollywood.

The Angel and his tinsel town zombie hordes fought Estevius and his bestial demon army for more than a year in the LAST WAR. The holocaust lasted until December 21st of 2012, when Aztec poltergeists created corn storms to scour the world clean. Global warming buried everything else under miles of popcorn.

Reader: Let it be known for all time that I SAW IT COMING!

 

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2 Responses to “Cultural Epitaph”

  1. Fantastic prognostication. Of course, this blog won’t survive the Government’s Internet Reset Button they’ve been hovering over as of late.

    • Given the amount of prostitutes in Washington, I believe the tiger babies will take out those in charge of the button.
      Failing this, the blog is backed up by copies of each post written in chicken bones that I’m fossilizing.

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