Dependence Day

It was 235 years ago today that our SUPER HEROIC, UBER GENIUS … slave-owning … FREEDOM-LOVING FOUNDING FATHERS LOUDLY, FORCEFULLY and BRAVELY … “absolved their allegiance” … to those EEL-SUCKING DANDY DICTATORS! They wrote it in the language of the English too, more ironic salt on the wound!

It’s a testament to American BALLS that we celebrate this date when it took a war to enforce it. Did you know that when you smoked a joint on June 17th, you were also celebrating winning the War on Drugs Nixon declared in 1971? Took only 5 years to beat King George, but that was back when we fought nations like England instead of fighting ideas like “Don’t get gasoline from people that call you Satan.”

We can’t celebrate the Siege of Yorktown because the French assisted. By “assisted” I mean defeated the British fleet that was going to reinforce their Army and extend the war further. When we “assisted” the French in War World the Second, we called it LIBERATING. “Liberty” was a French term we learned when they gave us the landmark formerly known as the French Harbor Whore with a Torch Monument.

We don’t celebrate the signing of the Treaty of Paris, the exact moment of U.S. victory over No-longer-So-Great Britain, because of the French P-word. France was ALWAYS meddling with our history, except for when Spain kicked England out of Florida to allow us supplies. They’re STILL there defending our grandparents from the Brits with sexually intimidating Salsa dancing.

Our war for independence was dependant on our allies yet there are no fireworks that spell out “Merci” or “Gracias”. Something to consider when you’re dipping your “corn chips” in guacamole slathering your Freedom fries in REVISIONIST sauce … I mean rib sauce.

The Dutch assisted too. Enjoy your mayonnaise.


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