Kind & Creepy

While at work, I’m adjusting the earbuds of my iPod when … I’m lying, it’s a Sandisk Clip mp3 player. I can’t afford the extra $60 for an iPod. So, I’m thinking about how to steal one when I hear:

“bye, digg.” in a meek mousey voice over my shoulder.

IMMEDIATELY, I feel this is the voice of  JESUS who has come to personally damn me for not believing in him, considering breaking the stealing commandment (I don’t even know which number it is) and for not capitalizing the H in him like He likes!

Spinning around in my office chair, I quickly flail for a pencil to plunge into his heart, for the one in a million case that Christ the Risen Messiah is a VAMPIRE!

It’s just Kelly standing behind me wearing her little glasses with her salt and peeper Vulcan hair cut looking like a petite asexual 5th grade art teacher with her colorful purse and bag. She was obviously about to go home.

ARGH! Ah … HA! You startled me Kelly.” I admit a bit embarrassed, but DIVINELY relieved.

“sorry,” Kelly flexes the least number of facial muscles it takes to make a smile, as though a grin would shatter her head. “usually when i say goodbye to you before i leave your back is turned and your listening to your device.”

“Oh, I see. Well goodnight, Kelly.”

She gives me 10% more smile before leaving.

I’m facing my computer and have my left earbud in when I realize that this CREEPY BITCH says goodbye to me EVERY night without actually COMMUNICATING with me!

How much of an ASSHOLE do I look like!? From a distance, it looks like I’m PURPOSEFULLY ignoring her kindness! I’m not ABOVE anybody in the department! I’m a NEW FUCKING HIRE! Plus, I’m an expert at faking friendliness.

Am I the token Black GORILLA mascot of our team? Am I some trained SAVAGE that is only BARELY HOLDING ONTO CIVILITY?!?

… I did almost stab her with a pencil for startling me.


One Response to “Kind & Creepy”

  1. Dude, she, like, totally wants you. Bad. #completelyreasonableassumptions

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