Archive for the Shocked Category

L@T Show #25 BRO, Come Out the Closet!

Posted in Paranoid, Shocked with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 09/15/2012 by Loyd Digg

Pretty boy local comic Amit Jain claims to be a nerd. Stand up Nerd Digg challenges him to accept his TRUE self.

Listen:

Download: L@T #25 BRO, Come Out the Closet! (Right click Save As) or Subscribe on iTunes

Sept. 17 Laughing @ Monday! at The New Way Bar 9:30.

Sept. 20th Comedy Night at O’mara’s Irish Pub 9:30

Music by The Hate Noise.

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L@T Show #20 Just a Dash of R-word

Posted in Shocked with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/29/2012 by Loyd Digg

Digg and Kent Tucker get together again to create some delicious depravity.

Topics: You need a dark audience. Welcome to Warren! Battle of the Brands. Revenge for O.J. 90’s Rap Redux. Big Topic – Silly Sensitivity & Whiskey.

Listen:

Download: L@T Show #20 Just a Dash of R-Word (Right click “Save as”) or Subscribe on iTunes

See Kent Aug. 31st & Sept. 1st at Joey’s Comedy Club! I’ll be there Sept. 4th.

Digg at Wednesday Aug. 29th: Open Mic MC Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle, 8pm $3.

As usual, Laughing @ Monday at The New Way Bar every Monday at 9:30 – NOT Labor Day though!

Music by The Hate Noise.

 

Overly Sensitive Robot

Posted in Shocked with tags , , , , , , , on 07/18/2012 by Loyd Digg

Our listener Noble Bear pointed out this great video by Red Letter Media – makers of the MOST BRUTALLY BRILLIANT Star Wars prequel review.

I wasn’t at Daniel Tosh’s comedy show that night, but here’s what happened:

Tosh: [statement with trigger word “rape”]

Blogger:[reflexive outburst responding to trigger word]

Tosh:[ridiculous statement in counter-response]

Blogger:[flee and create coontroversy]

Art AIN’T perfect. You can’t please everyone ALL the time. So, FUCK’EM!

(BUT ONLY with their consent!)

L@T Show #4 Things Get Gulley

Posted in Shocked with tags , , , , , , , on 04/15/2012 by Loyd Digg

The orgy’s about to BEGIN!

Gully: adjective; Rough and Rugged, Unpolished and Hardcore.

Digg (@Digg_Johnson) is joined by fellow stand up doer Matt Gulley (@GulleyOfOne) and his brother Rob (who disavows participating in this). After establishing a comfortable level of sexism and racial prejudice, we discuss our beginnings in comedy. Matt and I compare the difference between bars and clubs – bar crowds are more mob than audience. Should hecklers be ignored or used to ignite the audience? High School orgies and proper train etiquette are discussed, of course. Ferndale is the less douche bag Royal Oak.

Download –> L@T #4 Things Get Gulley

I host Laughing at Them Comedy Night every Monday at New Way Bar.

I’ll be appearing at Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle Wednesday April 18th at 8pm.

Enjoy some Irish food and watch me at O’Mara’s Comedy Night Thursday April 19th at 9pm.

Bowl a few frames then listen to my insane ideas at Wonderland Lanes Comedy Night Saturday April 21st.

Music by The Hate Noise

Whitney? Why?

Posted in Shocked with tags , , , , , , on 11/19/2011 by Loyd Digg

Watched the new NBC sitcom Whitney for the first time last night. It was INSPIRING! If this hella-hack shit can get on TV, I’ve got a series in my future!

The episode “Clarence” was their latest – so they should’ve gotten near their funny groove having done 7 previous episodes. Not really. They may need 70 more.

Premise: Whitney and boyfriend want a puppy to prove their commitment. Twist: since they’re unmarried they have to get an old dog – Clarence. You know, because there’s only ONE place per city to get a puppy!

He’s sickly, can’t play fetch and drops horrific farts. Pay-off: The dog dies after a day and they return to status quo. Lesson: Whitney would make a great hospice nurse.

FUCKING HILARIOUS!

Sitcom funny comes from a character failing in an ordinary situation because of their flaws or creating an outlandish circumstance because of their flaws. You need to be extreme, you BOOGER-BITING RETARD!

Boyfriend gets puppy, but Whitney treats it like a neglectful parent because that’s how she was raised. The puppy is crying to be walked, but Whitney is watching a movie and doesn’t want to leave. She dangles a treat while the dog runs on a treadmill. “You’re looking a little chubby, greedy. Gimme another mile.”

But what do I know? I’m not dating any network execs.

London Everything is Falling Down

Posted in Shocked with tags , , , , , , , , on 08/13/2011 by Loyd Digg

Anyone who’s seen A Clockwork Orange like me isn’t surprised by the London Riots. These blokes have always fancied a bit of the olde ULTRA-VIOLENCE. Last week thousands did a tad of the olde IN-OUT-IN-OUT, into boutiques and out with an ace fit pair of dungarees, as store clerks politely stood aside to avoid a KERFUFFLE.

Its been reported that SIX HUNDRED have been charged for violence, looting and general BARMY BEASTLINESS. Seventeen hundred have been arrested, keeping courts open 24/7. Dementors were released to control the crowd and were effective in robbing looters of the joy of their plunder. Still, Azkaban prison will be lodging muggles for the first time and is estimated to become overcrowded in a fortnight.

This was all sparked by the shooting death of Mark Duggan, whom was suspected of carrying a gun to avenge the stabbing of a rapper cousin. US law enforcement experts believe this was the CRUCIAL mistake. 

“The Brits seek to prevent street crime rather than let Blacks handle it themselves. Then, they could leave murders frighteningly unsolved and claim to need more funding,” NO ONE publicly said.

The motivation to right this murder was OF COURSE lost in the rioting. Looters were heard blaming their outrage on anything. Some blame the increasing decline in the quality of crumpets – and the unavailability of organic brands. Others have decried the switch from geek hottie Dr. Who David Tennant to FUGLY CHANGELING Matt Smith.

The Case of Casey

Posted in Shocked with tags , , , , , , , , , on 07/05/2011 by Loyd Digg

There is GREAT news for sociopath mothers in Florida! All you need to do is “lose” your kid for 31 days, mention a Latina that has never met your child and NO ONE will be able to reasonably pin the murder on you. Even if you’re found guilty of LYING, they’ll believe you when you say, “My baby? Hmmm … dunno how she got murdered.” Its frustrating that there’s NO way to blame Jeb Bush for this.

Casey Anthony was SHOCKINGLY found not guilty of killing her daughter Caylee. Shocking is too strong a word since Paris is to art what Florida is to PARENTAL NEGLECT. They’ve taken the stance California has taken towards weed smoking: since enough people do it illegally, might as well legalize it.

There’s been much outrage, but young White mothers aren’t celebrating the way Blacks did for OJ. Isn’t this a vindication for ALL the oppression children have INFLICTED on young attractive mothers? With the responsibility of raising a small child, how’s a girl supposed to get breast exams from DOUCHEBAGS?

… guess it’s not so hard.

It’s more likely the young White women aren’t celebrating because they have JOBS to go to, unlike Blacks. [preceding written by an unemployed Black man]

There’s no comparison between Casey and O.J. in terms of GUILTITUDE. O.J.’s acquittal was debatable. Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman were adults with lives FULL of friends, family and psychotically jealous ex-husbands, anyone of whom could’ve killed them.

50% of a toddler’s life is spent with her murderer … I meant “her mother”.  The missing 50% is Mommy’s clubbin’ time. If it was legal in the state of Florida to bring babies into bars, less children would PERISH. I BLAME  … former Florida Governor JEB BUSH!

That felt good.

Schwartzenegger Please!

Posted in Shocked with tags , , , , , , on 05/18/2011 by Loyd Digg

Politicians and professional athletes are two jobs that share a common occupational hazard: FATHERHOOD. Arnold Schwartzenegger was a womanizing athlete, movie star and politician so the odds of him having a love child are one in every woman within reach.

His twenty-year housekeeper, Mildred Baena, didn’t stand a chance. She had that sexy Spanish accent and folded his underwear Nazi-style, da vay Mama use do. The ex-Govinator could’nt deny the boy because of the STRONG resemblance.

Not the Baena boy. Still, COULD be Arnold's too.

The reason for the split with Shriver becomes clearer now. Maria starved herself, got botox, some surgery and worked out just to have former Mr. Universe pump ironing lady. All the criticism Schwartzenegger had for President Clinton, yet they share a taste in mistresses: dark-haired employees. No latina beauty like Sofia Vergara, but at least she doesn’t look like one of Arnold’s oldest enemies.

I’m sorry. Neither ladies deserve that. For such a major macho star movie EXTRAS take on another purpose. Given the rumors and his fame, it was only a matter of time before he came in out.

This is just proof of the hypocrisy in conservative values. Arnold has millions, but won’t spend a little from the budget for a call girl? There must be thousands of high class prostitutes in California, yet he turns to outsourced Guatemalan ass. To be fair, English isn’t his first language. This is not what is meant by HEAVILY POLING the immigrant community.

Couldn’t this be avoided? Aren’t steroids supposed to REDUCE fertility? Somebody must’ve mixed their bull hormones with bull Viagra. Four kids and a spare: forget protected sex, he obviously likes the Raw Deal.

Naughty Knowledge

Posted in Shocked with tags , , , , , , on 03/09/2011 by Loyd Digg

If kids are old enough to observe Booty Appreciation Day, they’re old enough to learn of the result of messin’ with booty: SHIT … … … like STDs, birth control and other risks. The youth must PROtect themselves from LAPSES in judgment. They stand at the doorway to adulthood and blinding them to what lies beyond is as BAD as pushing them through before they’re ready.

Kindergarten play "Stand and Deliver"

In the UK, that hotbed of socialized medicine and crumpets, education councils are recommending questionable books to pre-teens according to Christian watchdogs. Should 5 year-olds read about mommies and daddies hugging so HARD they have a baby? What happens the next time you visit Grandma and she gives you a tight squeeze? Will you father an uncle or aunt? What a great way to train a weirdo.

Besides confusing wording, there are high standards being set. A passage from another book for kids reads, “Making love is like skipping. You can do it all day long.” I remember this time I skipped so much my feet were swollen and my shoes dried up.

Here in the American capitol of morals and decency, Texas, high school students are marching to have contraceptives included in their abstinence-heavy sexual education. Turns out that HALF of 15-19 year-olds in the state are having trouble abstaining … from parenthood. Condom use is hard to improvise when you’re using both hands to “hug”.

The season of Lent is here for the Christians, pro-“Just say no” folks. One purifies for 40 days by giving up their favorite things. Eventually, it ends and most will tend to binge. Fat Tuesday is everyday to a Texas teen, and more than jelly donuts are getting FILLED.

I don’t have children because the time hasn’t been right and I know how to do a money shot. A deep interest in science fiction TV, movies and tabletop role-playing games helps too. How do you say “Come back to my place” in Klingon? NO ONE knows.

Know your kids. Know their questions. Know how and when to answer them.

Know to keep them off this blog.

Fake Hero

Posted in Shocked with tags , , , , , on 02/19/2011 by Loyd Digg

The Internet is a great tool for transmitting ideas but has no control for the stupidity of the ideas it shares.

An example that strikes close to home for me is the movement to get a statue of Robocop put up in Detroit that started on Twitter. Mayor David Bing politely declined the idea but some citizens are determined to see it through mainly because “it would be cool”. The best reason to do anything when you’re city’s STRAPPED FOR CASH!

For those who don’t remember the twenty-five year old B-movie, duty-bound Irish-Catholic cop Alex Murphy breaks a justified police strike to continue to serve without guaranteed pay and minimal benefits. Future Detroit’s funds suffer from tax breaks given to keeping the OCP corporation invested in the city. On a patrol with his new lady partner, he is caught without back up and gets DISMEMBERED by shotguns. The father from That 70’s Show finishes him with a shot to the head.

Shoulda stayed on strike!

The story could end here with the lesson that police deserve full funding and support. Money for cocaine-fueled stripper parties in the mayoral mansion may be spent in more productive ways for the people of Detroit. Industrial interests SHOULD take a backseat to the common good. Unions are an important protection for citizen workers.

All these issues are ignored and the story continues.

Alex is resurrected by OCP as a corporate-owned law enforcement cyborg to be a slave scab robot-cop. Robocop, being Catholic, doesn’t take the greatly preferable option of suicide, unlike dozens of prototypes before him. Worse, he remembers his loving wife and son who are not about to give back whatever pension or pay out they got JUST to welcome back old toaster crotch!

"... FUCK!"

To say he’s half-man half-robot would be kind.  His female partner is sympathetic and cute, but his guy parts are in a landfill somewhere being fought over by seagulls! Instead of calling the ACLU, Murphy goes out for revenge! Not against OCP, but against the “real” enemy: crime.

Robocop inspires the cops to end the strike, arrests tons of bad guys (kills more), fights an bigger robot, kills the gang that killed him and discovers the corporate executive that backed them.

One problem. His hardwired orders include never bringing justice to the company that made him, which is behind a lot of the crime in this “futuristic” Detroit. AGAIN he’s screwed by OCP and can’t do what’s right! They literally OWN his metal-plated ass!

If only we could fill government with MORE robots that we own.

Luckily, this dick (aptly named Dick Jones) gets fired by the OCP head douche bag. The order no longer applies,  so Murphy can serve “justice” finally by filling him with more lead than an EXPLOITED police hero who is no longer human enough to shed tears for all he’s lost!

Alex Robocop Murphy goes on to kill HUNDREDS of poverty-driven criminals, fight a giant robot drug lord and a clan of ninjas over two more movies and a TV show. All under a lucrative contract for OCP.

The End.

You can see why this poor bastard IS an accurate symbol of Detroit.

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